So I
start with the keep....*shudder* I've heard a lot about how bad this film is,
but hey I'm open minded and will watch anything once just to see if it's a
forgotten gem.......thankfully "The Keep" is not a gem....in fact a
piece of coal has more redeeming features than this.......this........whatever
this thing I have just subjected my eyes too. So onto the review
Open to
cheesy music......nice scenery as the Germans come into town...... well
its more of a remote Romanian village. The film has my interest so far, barring
the awful music it classes with the visuals....uggghh, but I can tolerate
that..so back to the plot (if you can call it that) the Nazis are warned
about not touching the silver crosses...etc....etc... and what do the greedy
buggers do...whilst on night watch the go tampering with the protective crosses
and what happened next had me wetting myself with laughing at the slow motion
running and silhouettes of those two Nazis which reminded me of "Only Fools
and Horses" Batman Sketch!!!
and suddenly all hell breaks loose.....but then I lost the plot???.....It had
me rewinding it and re-watching, had I fallen asleep.... one minute there were 2
dead Germans suddenly it's jumped to Greece with a man with glowing eyes and
then were suddenly back in Romania and 5 are now dead!!!! what the hell I've
even just fallen into a wormhole or something???? Exist stage right and enters
Ian Mckellen as an old man.....I wasn't impressed with the pseudo old man make
up, but this is an old movie so I let it go...then all off a sudden it cuts to
the Man with the glowing eyes turning up in bright daylight and one quick flash
of those eyes at the German sentries it magically night time??? I'm seriously
confused??.....but it's so bad I'm just dumbstrucked.....I had to watch it to
the end. As for Ian Mckellen daughter it's ment to be 1940's and she
sports a fetching 1980's poodle perm???? which was really starting to grate on
me.
cue smoke
cloud = exploding heads, smoke monster now has red bits and saves Jewish girl
and takes her back to dying daddy.....Ian Mckellen not impressed and gets a bit
lippy and is bitched slapped by the "Red Hand of Doom" thus
regenerating him to a younger and healthier self. So the Jewish girl gets out
of The Keep and bumps into Mr “Glowy” Eyes and he's just interesting to get
into her knickers coming out with the cheesiest catch line that is up there
with Shark Attack 3 Megladon "Yeah, me too. But you know I'm really wired.
What do you say I... take you home and eat your pussy" (Shark Attack 3)
it's as bad as that.......Then we are treated to synchronised sex dancing with
awful annoying music......oh my god this is getting to artsy for me. He
obviously has little conversation and decides to shut up the Jewish girl with
one touch of his finger.......by the way who the hell is this guy anyway it's
not explained or explained why his eyes glow???? this is starting to annoy me.
What the
hell!!! what's that priest's problem one minute he's best friends with Ian
Mckellen character and now he's telling Ian Mckellen to burn in hell as a
heretic......I'm lost have I missed an entire scene again.....this does'nt add
up.....this film is starting to fuck up my head!!!! By this point I started to
have random thoughts of daftness and when the monster appears to the Jewish
girl, the first thought in my head was “he just wanted your fanny” also that
80's perm was getting way too much.....and it never seemed to have a hair out
of place....... The "Nice" Nazi is killed by the SS Officer, shame he
was a interesting character and I liked how he took the piss out of the SS
Officer.....SS Officer is now Deleted.........
Suddenly
Mr “Glowy” eyes becomes He Man!!!! and behold his sword becomes the ultimate
Light sabre I'll be damned!!!!! and suddenly the film ends!!!!! just ends no
explanation...nothing.....the end.....cue music???? I was speechless........I
stared at the screen in mute silence.......trying to comprehend what had just
happened o..O
The Keep
would of been an interesting film if it was done properly and had some
interesting concepts...but what it turned out to be a mess of a film, totally
incoherent and seems to be missing large portions of scenes making the film not
make any sense and seems to jump around in a random manner that the viewer is
totally lost and confused. I read somewhere that the original was 3 and half
hours long....weather this is true or just a movie urban myth just to justify
and pass the blame for creating a big steaming pile of shit onto the
distributor I don't know. I think I need to dust down my attic hardback copy of
“The Keep” and see if it makes more sense than the crap I have just had to
enjour. How can this film (I use that term loosely) have a “cult
following”..the mind boggles..........
VERDICT:
as for “The Keep” I wouldn't piss on it if it was on fire or recommend it to my
worse enemy...."The Keep" is definitely not a first date movie to
watch!!!!!! your relationship will be over before it's even started....!!!!
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